It’s been a while…a long while. But I’ve thought about this blog often—like everyday. Kinda like an ex. I’d think “Oh yeah, I used to have a blog, I wonder how it’s been. Is it having a good time? Do people stop by and visit?” So thinking about my blog is almost like posting right? I get partial credit? The blogs feelings aren’t too hurt? Please don’t be mad blog–it’s me, not you.

Along with the thinking came the guilt about not posting. Not the usually weight loser (or not loser in this case) guilt, but the random Catholic guilt. Here I have this nice ol’ blog the boy bought me and I’m just wasting it. Ugh, can’t just not use a gift! So, here I am when I should be sleeping, appeasing my guilty conscience and kinda thinking about being healthy.

Here’s a little recap: April =Hospital Stay. May=Finals. June=Vacation. Hiatus=Slight gain. July=More school and the determination to get back on the healthy bandwagon.

The boy opened his own business which makes me a small business widow, which I think might have silver lining. I can go to the gym and comfort my lonely heart with the eleptical machine. Who needs a boy when you have fancy gym equipment to keep you company?

So I also have new goals: 1. Work out 100 times between now and the end of the year 2. Lose 40 pounds.

See, I’ve been thinking about you  blog. I got all these little things I’ve been meaning to tell you. You know, like when you talk to your best friend after a really long time and you have all these stories you just blurt out and then gasp for breath. Well there you go best blog friend! Until tomorrow!

This week I decided I’d get back on plan and get back on plan by sticking to the quick start plan. The quick start is basically 20 points a day instead of what you are normally allotted. I did well days 1 through 4 but man, yesterday was very rough. I was so sleepy. It was a food day at work and I have the oppurtunity to eat healthy fruit and eggbeaters, but I chose not to eat healthy. I munched all day. A couple of times I caught myself walking to the break room to munch and than turned around only to find myself eating a donut half an hour later. It was not my finest hour.  BUT! I am counting Friday as a non scale victory because! I wrote everything down! Every single nibble (that I could remember) It totaled out, with dinner, 43 pointes! Wowzah! 43 points! But normally I would have just quit counting on Friday and thrown Saturday and Sunday to the wind. But I journaled today too and will do Sunday as well.

Now granted I could have done better  but I am still proud of myself. I’m being accountable and not quitting. And I’m not being too hard on myself. All together, even counting Friday and my weekly points, I’m still under the number of points I would normally eat for a week–so I’m hoping I stayed on plan enough to make a difference.

It’s been almost six weeks since I have journaled! And to be honest, I’ve enjoyed the time away. I’ve been so busy. First midterms, then I was sick, then spring break, and then Easter and finally election business (Here in Texas we’re still not done picking delegate to the national convention. Part two was this weekend with part three to come in June) I’ve maintained well. I really only gained back a pound that I had barley lost to begin with.But while I maintained my weight, I didn’t really eat as healthily as I would have liked–but I chalk most of that to being busy and stressed with the above mentioned. So that’s one of my main goals, is to get back to the healthy guidelines.

You know though, I enjoyed not posting and not counting points and not keeping up with the blogs and not stepping on the scales twice a day (yeah, I’m kinda crazy). I was burnt out and overwhelmed! I felt like most of my energy was focused on what I was eating and what I shouldn’t be eating. I know I wasn’t on a diet and I know wasn’t doing anything too crazy but after I posted about how much I loved my body I had a really hard time spending so much time and energy changing it. Ya know? And I kept reading blogs about people being a slave to the scale–stories that reflect what I had become, but didn’t want to become. So, it was good to have a break. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking on the break and now I have a fresh perspective.

I also quit going to WW meetings and am now only an on-line member, which I think has helped a lot. I was getting very stressed out by my meetings. I didn’t feel like I belonged. The people there were very, very serious and took their weight loss journey very seriously. I’m not that serious. I tried to be, and I stressed myself out.

Maybe part of my lack of seriouness is what has lead me to my slow weight loss. Only 22 pounds in a year. Oh god I was stressed out about that there before the break. But you know what, even if it takes me two more years to lose 44 pounds, I’m ok with that. I’ll still meet my goal but in a way I think I can handle better. I’ve seen blogs were people lose the weight quickly, but then they seem to be very hard of themselves when they gained back even 5 pounds. Hello! Five Pounds! If you’ve already lost more than 50, a five pound adjustment is fine. I just don’t want to be upset with myself for not losing fast enough or for maybe gaining some of it back. I don’t want to get that anal.

Anyways, enough with me ranting. I am going to start counting again. And even with all the previous ranting, this week I plan on taking the quick start approach of 20 points a day. But! I have every intention of earning activity points and eating ALL my weekly points. If I go over my plan, that’s ok. I just kinda want to get back in the swing of things. Get my body used to losing again, because I do still want to lose.

Next week it’s strictly focusing on healthy guidelines.

So that’s that!

Almost a week with no updates! Its midterms so I don’t really need to tell you how busy it is—but I will. It’s SO busy! I haven’t even had time to work out this week—ugh! And this week was the beginning of the Self magazine challenge. I’ve been doing cardio for the past three weeks (and it’s really paying off!) and I’ve been looking forward to starting strength training.  So here I am whining about not having time to work out while I’m goofing off on the computer. It’s just a break between questions on my take home midterm. I’m rambling so I’ll update via outline.            

• Progress
  • Down a couple of pounds! yeah!
  • Headed to a WW meeting Saturday.
  • Clothes are baggy!
  • Which means I’m almost into my “normal” clothes
  • Still eating healthy even though I’m kinda stressed
• Goals
  • Finish school work!
  • Continue eating healthy
  • Work out Friday and Saturday
  • Write a real post tomorrow after class

Brandy has a great post over at Raised on Pizza. I’ve been kinda whinnying recently about how this journey is hard and I don’t like it and its not easy and I don’t have enough support and blah, blah, blah. But you know what, that’s not really an attitude I should have. I have chosen to make this journey. I’ve chosen to fight for the changes I want to see. I have a great support system. I have have supportive friends and family and my wonderful boyfriend.

So, this is what I am doing–what I get to do. Today I ate almonds! Almonds are new to me, but I think they were very good, especially for a pre-work out snack. I also got to work out for 50 minutes of some pretty tough cardio. But it’s nice feeling my heart pounding like that. Makes me feel alive. I also got to check out some awesome, inspirational blogs.  All in all I had a great day!

So after my meeting on Sunday I’ve been feelin’ kinda blah–very tired and I don’t know why. Yesterday I was off from work and all I did was sleep. I haven’t worked out in two weeks and I’ve been eating poorly–not meeting my nutritional requirements and eating a lot of refined carbs and sugars. I’ve been contemplating quiting going to WW and I’ve been feeling bad that I’m not doing better. Oh, and I haven’t blogged for a few days either. Oh wait–I haven’t blogged in a DAY! Crazy how it feels like longer.

Anyways, I’m feeling better now. I’ve caught up on some of my blogs and I found some really inspiring ones, that were talking about issues I could really relate to.

So I have a plan. I’m gonna go to my new WW meeting for three more weeks and then reassess how I’m feeling about meetings. I’m going to the gym tomorrow after work since I don’t have class and will do a long work out.  I have a plan for yummy shrimp stew when I come home. Kinda a short term plan, but a plan none the less.

So over all I think I had a very good week. I completed my two goals: eating all my points and working out. I had some success such a fitting into smaller clothes and not freaking out by eating too many points. Yeah, it was a rocking week.

Until I went to my WW meeting. Ugh. I hate to be a whiny baby, but the meeting part of WW hasn’t been going so well for me. First, I am very limited on when I can go because of my busy schedule so I can choose between two team leaders.  The one I’ve been going to hasn’t really been helpful. She seems to favor those who are skinnier or have lost a lot of weight. And she doesn’t have time to talk to me after meetings. She just refers to me eTools.  I’ve been to eTools thank you very much, that’s why I’m asking you now–I still don’t know. And I’m shy about this meeting thing, so I don’t really talk to anyone. Anyways, long story short, I don’t feel like we talk about the challenges, like plateaus and the slow rate of losing. We just - celebrate those who have lost-a lot. So, what about me? The slow and surely person? Today was actually my 16 week”keepin’ with it” celebration and they forgot. And as a person who hasn’t lost a lot of weight, I feel really silly raising my hand asking people to celebrate for me when it doesn’t seem like that’s the culture I’m in.  I could barley get out the door before I started bawling. I don’t feel inspired or encouraged at meetings. I only feel like I’m not losing fast enough or not trying hard enough. I feel like if I was a better person I’d lose more–just like the people we’re celebrating.

Anyways, this is frustrating me right now. I’m gonna think about quiting the meetings and just staying on eTools. It’s just not a good way to end the week.

So today is good. I blogged this morning and played in the kitchen a bit. Then I had to get ready to go see President Bill Clinton speak. I was pretty excited. I’ve never seen a president before!

And when I was getting ready, I fit into an size large Old Navy sweater! GO ME! And I’m not even gonna say it’s because they run large. I tried to wear this two months ago and it was too tight! YEAH!! So, I saw the President and then went to go eat at a sandwich shop. They didn’t have nutritional information so I choose what I hoped would be the best choice and when I came home and checked on the internet, turns out I choose wisely! GO ME!!

And I have one more daily point which is good since I’ve gone over my WAPs. I still need to clean up around the house and work out. It’s already late and cold outside so I don’t know if I’m gonna make it. But as Roni says, the biggest challenge is getting out the door.  I can do it. Surely I can! Finish this day off right!

So after my blah day, I have a pretty good Friday. I went to the doctor for a annual check up and thought I was going to get some fasting lab work done so I after breakfast I didn’t eat much until the afternoon when I had one of the new Caramel Fiber One Bars (which I highly recommend). I didn’t know what I was going to do for supper when the boy asked if I wanted to go eat with some friends at a chop house. I don’t know how many of you are familiar with Texas and the south but a chop house is basically a restaurant that served meat and not much else.  So the boy ordered a HUGE, 16 oz steak and I ordered a side salad, veggies without butter, and a baked potato without butter, which I think was very healthy. So, since I was eating my vegetables and being all healthy I thought I could eat some of the boy’s steak. I guestimated about 4 oz off of his steak thinking it would be about 6 points. So, this morning I figured my points and it’s at least 10 points! For just 4 oz.! Had I known that, I wouldn’t have had the two beers. To make a long story short, I’ve gone over my weekly points by 3. I’ve never done that before. As you might recall from previous entries, I’ve had problems eating all my points and to go over is kinda freaking me out. Do I eat 3 less today? Man, if I had just worked out yesterday it would have been fine.

Ok. I’m not freaking out. This is not a diet. This is a life style change and sometimes I’ll make mistakes. I’ve gotten all my dairy, all my veggies, and all my water every day. I’ve worked out 4 days this weeks and I’m gonna work out today and tomorrow. I’ve been healthy. I’ve been tracking.

Any other week I would have quit and gone off plan thinking I had failed. But no. I haven’t failed. I haven’t gone off plan. I’m chugging along and owning this!

Today = not a good day. I just feel off, ya know? But then again, it is that TOM, so I’m not surprised. By the way, is that too much information? Can I blog about that? I’ve had a horrible headache all day and even worse cramps. To make matters worse, it’s food day in the office. The worst? It’s Mexican food. I’ve done nothing I’m ashamed of. I’ve journaled everything. I’ve kept portions under control. But! I was planning on doing better by making a healthy taco salad and staying away from the tasty enchilada casserole. But like I said, today wasn’t a total loss, because I’m not on a diet. I’m making life style changes and sometimes during my life, I’m gonna eat some good Mexican food. Oh, and two Valentine’s Day cookies ;) Because I’m not gonna hide from holidays and their theme cookies.

And! I worked out. Not one single part of me wanted to, but I did. I didn’t work too hard, but I still made it to the gym for 30 minutes.

But! I’m still feeling blah. So I’m skipping class tonight and going home and going to bed. I can only hope I’ll be asleep by 5:15 p.m. Some days are just like that.